Homeland Security

This is random.

Allow me to submit two suggestions for increasing airport security because I've come to realize that most of my fellow American's are rabid on this subject.

1. I've had this idea for a while. I think it came to me sometime after the "shoe bomber." Every time one of these idiots tries to blow up a plane a new slew of restrictions comes out. No scissors. Take your shoes off. No liquids. And just recently we had this new moron the so-called "underwear bomber." So my plan obviously is needed.

Plan No. One: When you report to the airport you do all your check in crap. You had over your luggage. You are allowed NO carry-on luggage/bags/whatever. Sorry. That's the rule. In return they will feed you good food and show you some movie that is at least in the realm of decent. And the airline will promise not to lose your shit. I know that's why most people have so much carry-on: they don't trust the airline. If the airline loses your stuff you get to, I don't know, kick their CEO in the nuts.

That's part number one. In part number two you go through security, and it will be really easy. All you have to do is get naked and get on the plane. Now, before you freak out, you will get to undress in a private cubicle and will be given a paper gown and some croc-knockoffs. All of your clothes, shoes, and whatever go into a box which is locked with a PIN you choose. If you fuck up you don't get on the plane. Then everybody gets on the plane naked, and the flight will be very mellow. Why? Because no one is going to start anything when they are pantsless.

You can thank me later. Like when your naked flight lands because remember, you aren't allowed to bring your cell phone on the plane.

2. Plan one is about making flights "safer." If you don't like that one I've got another. Second idea is a deterrent for douchepiles who might be looking to try something.

Plan Number Two: If someone does something retarded (I'm using satirically! *&#%$!-ing idiots) on a plane, and they survive the wrath of the hysterical, possibly naked, passengers they will receive a punishment fitting for their level of douchebaggery. Plane offenders will be sodomized with hedgehogs. I think this will put a serious damper on anyone's enthusiasm for violent acts in an aircraft. Sure, these would-be bombers/hijackers are obviously not afraid to die, but rarely are they successful. Incarceration would seem a far worse ramification if it involved hedgehog sodomy.

Now some of you may be saying, "Why hedgehogs, Winter? Why not a porcupine?" Simple. Porcupine quills point every which way. Hedgehogs spikes only go in one direction; they will lay flat. You can pet them as long as you don't rub them the wrong way. This means insertion will be a breeze, but going back...well, you get the picture.*

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*In the interest of projecting animals from cruel treatment I wouldn't actually want any innocent hedgehogs to get involved in this. The whole thing would be insulting to the noble beast. Maybe we could just make those violating the sanctity of air travel listen to Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana instead.

Long rambling update #1

I wrote a post a couple weeks ago. It wasn't so much a post as a frustration fueled rant on the stupidity of others. It had bullet points. And I even had to do some research to make sure, for my own piece of mind, that my facts were correct. The whole thing is best never seeing the light of day.

My apartment building is currently surrounded by one to two foot high drifts of snow. We closed up a few hours early tonight since there wasn't much business, and I wonder if we'll open tomorrow. I think all the schools have already canceled, and if we get the winds they are saying are going to happen (sustained 30 mph) the weather people are talking drifts in excess of three feet. While, on one hand, having a day off tomorrow on account of inclement weather would be kind of cool, I would have to make that day up somewhere, and I really, really don't want to give up my weekend. I actually have Friday and Saturday off. Two days off in a row feels like vacation. That's what I kept saying last week when I also had Friday and Saturday off. However, one of the managers came down sick and I ended up having to go in on Saturday and work. It sucked, but I still made it to the bar in time to catch the band I had planned on seeing. Unless a level 3 snow emergency is issued I doubt we will close tomorrow anyway, and right now it's still standing at a level 1.

In a couple of weeks Julia and I are taking a painting class (acrylics) at the Toledo Museum of Art. It's been quite a while since I've taken any kind of class (ServeSafe didn't really count. You got the book a month before the test, then the class was a six hour review before taking the test). Anyway, I am really looking forward to it. I like painting with acrylics, but am completely self taught. It will be nice to learn some techniques to improve my skillz. I actually haven't taken any kind of art class since eighth grade. In high school I never had room for art in my schedule, and I guess never really thought about it. It wasn't until several years after high school that I really rediscovered the joy of art.

My holidays were nice. The only drama llama stampede was at Thanksgiving when people decided to play silly games. Other than that my family behaved. I went to my Aunt and Uncle's for New Years and had a fantastic time that included my first game of beer pong and first Jager shots.

I really ought to update this more often. I've had plenty to write about too! I'm still loving my new car. I adore it. And I love the freedom to just get in and drive where ever I need/want to go. After I got the car I made a trip to Cincinnati to see Lewis Black. I scored my ticket on sale, so that made the gas money not so bad. The show was fantastic and I actually got to meet Lewis and get an autograph. My mother took me and my half-brother to see Star Wars in Concert in Detroit. It was fantastic! It was basically a 2 hour live music video with a few lasers and pyrotechnics thrown in. And it was hosted by the delightful Anthony Daniels. I had a week of vacation in December that I stretched out with the weekend before off and the Monday following as well. I visited Steve & Steph in Cleveland and my friend Sarah in Pittsburgh. I also had an interesting trip to Ann Arbor with my mother.

I made another trip there recently to hit up IKEA with Julia in which we scored some furniture. I sprung for a couch. They actually had the one I had been pining for on sale. It's a dark blue-grey, and the one end is a chaise which makes it look like a corner sectional, but is fantastic for lounging on . There is storage under the chaise, and a trundle that slides out and pops up to make the whole thing into a bed for guests. And it comes apart in sections for easy moving whenever that happens again.

For the time being I've resigned my lease, so I will be staying in my place until at least 2011. I am really happy with my place. It's funny because when I was younger I moved almost every year. I couldn't imagine living in a place for years on end. Maybe I've just gotten lazy and don't want to haul my junk all over town anymore.

I think I am addicted to bejeweled blitz on facebook. Seriously. I. Can't. Stop. Playing! They even updated the game. Before the medals/score tracking only went up to 250k. Now it goes to 500k. I thought that was daunting as I have only ever gotten over 300k, like, twice. However, today I played a game where I scored 509,650. I think that means I've won bejeweled blitz. That game was like the perfect storm. It will never be repeated. I'd retire if I wasn't so damn addicted! :)

Well, it's 3:30am. Guess I should turn in.