Homeland Security

This is random.

Allow me to submit two suggestions for increasing airport security because I've come to realize that most of my fellow American's are rabid on this subject.

1. I've had this idea for a while. I think it came to me sometime after the "shoe bomber." Every time one of these idiots tries to blow up a plane a new slew of restrictions comes out. No scissors. Take your shoes off. No liquids. And just recently we had this new moron the so-called "underwear bomber." So my plan obviously is needed.

Plan No. One: When you report to the airport you do all your check in crap. You had over your luggage. You are allowed NO carry-on luggage/bags/whatever. Sorry. That's the rule. In return they will feed you good food and show you some movie that is at least in the realm of decent. And the airline will promise not to lose your shit. I know that's why most people have so much carry-on: they don't trust the airline. If the airline loses your stuff you get to, I don't know, kick their CEO in the nuts.

That's part number one. In part number two you go through security, and it will be really easy. All you have to do is get naked and get on the plane. Now, before you freak out, you will get to undress in a private cubicle and will be given a paper gown and some croc-knockoffs. All of your clothes, shoes, and whatever go into a box which is locked with a PIN you choose. If you fuck up you don't get on the plane. Then everybody gets on the plane naked, and the flight will be very mellow. Why? Because no one is going to start anything when they are pantsless.

You can thank me later. Like when your naked flight lands because remember, you aren't allowed to bring your cell phone on the plane.

2. Plan one is about making flights "safer." If you don't like that one I've got another. Second idea is a deterrent for douchepiles who might be looking to try something.

Plan Number Two: If someone does something retarded (I'm using satirically! *&#%$!-ing idiots) on a plane, and they survive the wrath of the hysterical, possibly naked, passengers they will receive a punishment fitting for their level of douchebaggery. Plane offenders will be sodomized with hedgehogs. I think this will put a serious damper on anyone's enthusiasm for violent acts in an aircraft. Sure, these would-be bombers/hijackers are obviously not afraid to die, but rarely are they successful. Incarceration would seem a far worse ramification if it involved hedgehog sodomy.

Now some of you may be saying, "Why hedgehogs, Winter? Why not a porcupine?" Simple. Porcupine quills point every which way. Hedgehogs spikes only go in one direction; they will lay flat. You can pet them as long as you don't rub them the wrong way. This means insertion will be a breeze, but going back...well, you get the picture.*

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*In the interest of projecting animals from cruel treatment I wouldn't actually want any innocent hedgehogs to get involved in this. The whole thing would be insulting to the noble beast. Maybe we could just make those violating the sanctity of air travel listen to Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana instead.