Ugly Side

I have to admit, I've been avoiding blogging for the past week. I have some things I want to write about, but I'm having trouble. It's hard for me to talk about my feelings. Normally I keep all of my emotions tucked away in a box special for that purpose because, well, they're not anybody's business but my own right? I see those people who's feelings are all sloppy and they are flinging them all over and I want to punch them in the face, a little. I'm not saying I expect everyone to be zombies or robots. I understand we all deal in different ways. Mine is just to deal with my shit in the privacy of my own head. The problem, as should become obvious, is that if you keep putting things in the box and not sorting it one day you'll knock it off the shelf (because I can be a klutz). Then it's like you have a big pile of tangled electrical cords and necklaces that all need to be straightened out.

Well, you get the idea of the metaphor. Why so emotionally independent? A number of reasons, but I've always been the calm one, the rational one. Do you ever find it easier to be brave when others are scared because they're scared? Not that you were even scared to begin with, but it gives your bravery an urgency because now you have to be strong for them as well as yourself. (Or patient when others are angry or calm when others are panicked?) Or is that just me? I never had anyone to be the strong one for me. My dad would have been the one if my mother hadn't made it as difficult as possible for him to see us after the divorce. By the time I was able to start spending more time with him I was past the point where I could be open with people. A person can't help you if they don't know there is a problem after all.

Hitting publish is going to be the hardest thing. It's so hard for me to say things, even if they're not surprising for other people to hear. Once it's out there, there is no taking it back. There's that part of me that will hate myself every time I read this and call me weak. That part of me is the most critical judge of myself. I'm harder on myself than anyone else ever would be. Or at least I pray to any merciful gods that I am. Because we all know they can't hurt you if you've already told yourself the same thing, right? And that voice in my head, well, she's the cruelest person I've ever met. I don't let any of her words touch anyone else, so you know who she talks about the most then. Even so, I've reached the point in my life where I'm happy enough I don't hear too much from that bitch anymore. But when she does show up, it sucks. It was after such a moment the other night when it occurred to me that I might actually be too hard on myself. (Let your guard up and they'll cut you down for it, the voice says to that.) I seriously thought about it though. I might actually be too hard on myself. So I'm going to post this because listening to that voice doesn't make me happy, and I know, deep down, that admitting your weaknesses is what makes you truly strong. I can take whatever is thrown at me, she's made sure of that, even if she doesn't think it first for me anymore.

So where does that leave us? The issues of being overweight and being single, I suppose. Do I have a realistic idea of how others perceive me? Probably not. I'm trying to lose weight because I want to be healthier. I think in the past I've mentally roadblocked myself on this one because being overweight is a "good reason" for why you're single. I'm partially scared of losing the fat because there's a line of thinking that says if I'm skinnier and still single than I'm either ugly and/or uninteresting. Neither of which I honestly believe, but that would leave us then with the "there's something wrong with me" thought, but who knows. Maybe I'm delusional. Fat makes you think crazy things* after all. It's maddening though, you'd think there would be more people willing to overlook a mild excess of subcutaneous fat in their search for a partner**.

Well, I actually feel better now. Hope you enjoyed your ride on the feelings coaster. Please keep hands and arms inside the car until the train has come to a complete stop. Enjoy the rest of your day here in Blogville.

~Winter



*Sealab 2021 anyone?

**Let's never mind the offer of a date I received last week. It was delivered by proxy and from a lad who's never actually met me, but has seen my myspace*** page. I haven't made a decision yet.

***Complete with obligatory picture of self taken in bathroom mirror.